Celebrities Call for Boycott of Georgia Film Industry over Widespread “Donk” Car Culture

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78)
05/13/2019 at 13:35 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire

Actress Alyssa Milano, best known for her role as the abducted daughter in the 1984 Arnold Schwarzenegger action film Commando , is calling for movie and TV actors to boycott Georgia over what she believes is an obnoxious and unsafe car culture.

A common sight in Atlanta, Charlotte, and Memphis has proven offensive to Hollywood’s elite.

Donks, Bubbles, and Boxes, which are often characterized by large, exaggerated wheels installed on ‘80s and ‘90s American cars have been a common sight around the US for over two decades. Often known collectively as simply “donks,” they are just now receiving national attention thanks to the boycott efforts.

“The fact that Georgia allows these so-called ‘donks’ to drive down public roads is not only an eyesore, but a public menace,” Ms. Milano explains in an official statement. “Very few, if any, of these donks, bubbles, or boxes have been properly upgraded with larger brakes and stronger suspension components.”

Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, in response to a slew of outspoken criticism, defends his state’s lack of safety inspections and its diverse car culture.

“From Atlanta’s donks to Macon’s bro-dozer trucks, we Georgians refuse to allow Hollywood elitists to pressure our state into conformity on this matter,” Gov. Kemp states. “We celebrate diverse car cultures all across our state and believe that fostering individuality is more important these mostly unproven safety concerns surrounding such vehicles.”

College Park’s Ty “TKO” Overton, owner of a 1984 Buick Regal with 26” wheels, has been one of Kemp’s biggest supporters.

Mr. Overton’s prized Buick Regal, nicknamed “TKO Speedwagon”

“We believe the decision to mod[ify] a vehicle should be between a man and his mechanic,” Mr. Overton insists. “We respect the beliefs of the anti-donk folks, but we just don’t think we can find common ground here. We’re fighting over style versus safety…the two sides won’t ever agree.”

Other supporters have pointed to the disparate impact that anti-donk legislation would have on poor communities, especially ones with high African-American populations. “Just another white woman telling us what we can do with our cars,” says one Douglasville resident, a black female in her mid-20s who wished to remain anonymous.

“My G Body, My Choice!” she exclaims, echoing the rallying cry of many pro-donk protesters.

Jesse Atkinson, a young white man from Cumming, also defends the state’s decision. Mr. Atkinson drives a highly modified 1999 Chevy Silverado pickup that sits several feet higher than how it left the factory, including 38” Mud Terrain tires that he uses all across Northern Georgia roads.

“Car mod cultures have to be defended. I don’t really like those donks, but if we let people tell them how to trick out their cars, then me and my truck might be next.”

The issue has proven to be one that transcends age, race, class, and gender, creating a rare opportunity for common ground among traditionally disparate groups.

This concept is best summarized by Kevin Ng, owner of a vaping shop and tanning salon on Buford Highway. “People can’t come 2,000 miles to tell me that my Integra’s stance [suspension] is creating extra strain on my control arm bushings. They don’t even bother to ask whether I’ve upgraded to a camber kit to polyurethane to make it even more durable than it originally was.” Mr. Ng rhetorically responds: “Yes, Ms. Milano. I have upgraded it. Now go home.”

Kevin Ng is proud of his Acura Integra, a car he bought after receiving his first ever paycheck.

Alyssa Milano has further increased pressure in recent days, even calling for a boycott on all driving anywhere in the Atlanta area. So far, the proposal has been laughed off. Undeterred, she insists that “We’ll make that place look like The Walking Dead , Season 1 . You know, back when it was still fun and interesting. What happened?”